That’s right! In case you didn’t know because you aren’t on social media or I haven’t seen you in person lately:
I have a lot to say about this so I hope you’re ready for some good reads that will be broken into multiple blog posts! 😉
But before I start. . .
To anyone on the journey to parenthood I want to say: I see you. To any of you that may be longing for a child, longing to be a parent, and have possibly experienced loss during your journey, I see you, friend. Since our announcement, I’ve had some of you (in person and online) reach out asking for prayer because you also long to have a child or have experienced loss or complications along the way. I don’t want to be insensitive to that. So know I write this blog post with the excitement and joy that comes from expecting but also with such love, faith, and hope for you.
Our Journey To Pregnancy
In 2016 I made my own prayer closet like in the movie War Room. I covered it with sticky notes of prayer requests from family, friends, church members, readers and some of our own. November of the same year I added a sticky note to that War Room that read “Calvin and I are praying for our first child”. See, the night before, Calvin and I had decided to do away with contraceptives and officially try to start a family.
I thought as we all do, you get off the pill and BAM it happens. Isn’t that how it works for most people? However, month after month the anticipation soon led to disappointment, especially as November 2017 drew closer and we realized we had now been “trying” for a year. I will be honest, Calvin and I didn’t share this with anybody the first year, maybe even first year and a half. Each month we hoped and each month was a no. Calvin and I know what it feels like to long, to wait, to feel disappointment, to wonder, to doubt.
We continued living life as we knew how and were called to. Some months weren’t as difficult as others. I think inside I had hope that God’s timing was best. However, it wasn’t until late spring of 2018 that worry sunk in and we began talking about testing. I set an appointment with my OB in July of 2018. I shared everything with my doctor and though concern and fear could be heard in my voice and I’m sure picked up from my body language, my doctor told me not to worry. With such optimism she said, “try this (she gave us a schedule to follow based on my cycle) and come back in 2 months if still nothing…”
“…although…” she added, “I have a feeling you’ll be coming back to see me because you’ll be pregnant.”
I gave her a timid smile, took a breath of relief, hopped off the table and walked out.
August went by… and nothing. Then September came and I was late. At 3 days late, on a day off, I sat around my coffee table, coffee in hand, worship music playing, Bible and journal out. The song “It Is Well” by Kristene Dimarco came on and I just poured my heart out to God in the pages of that journal. Realizing that November 2018 would be marking 2 years of trying to have a baby and here I was 3 days late in September wondering and anxious as to if this was finally it.
With Kristene declaring in the background, “it is well, it is well, with my soul” I was reminded that in the end, I didn’t have complete control over this… so, no matter what would happen, I decided to change my prayer to “it is well with my soul”. If being 3 days late in September meant I was finally pregnant, then PRAISE GOD! If not, it is well, and His timing is best. Regardless of what happens, I wrote in my journal:
”I know that you are good.
I know that you are faithful.
I know you have a plan for us.”
The next day, my period came. [My apologies to the dudes reading!] No pregnancy. No conception.
I walked out of the bathroom and texted my husband who was in our home office working:
“No baby. I started my period”.
This wasn’t the first time I was late and got hopeful. So for some reason this time, this month, September 2018, hit me hard.
I drew a hot bath, got in, and the running water couldn’t drown out the sobbing. As a flood of disappointment and questions rushed my mind. And the words I journaled just the day before began to make their way into my mind too.
“I know, I know, I know…” I kept trying to say out loud as the bath tub filled up and I laid there.
”I know you are good, I know you are faithful, I know you have a plan”, I tried saying just a tad louder. Maybe if I said it out loud enough the pain I felt would go away.
Suddenly my husband walked in, sat next to the tub and pulled my hair back. Tears continued to stream down my face, but he couldn’t see since I had now turned to face the wall with my back towards him. He didn’t say anything, I’m sure from just not knowing what to say anymore since he’d seen his wife in this disappointment for many months now. He just reminded me that he loved me and that everything would be okay.
I asked for just a moment alone and he kissed me on the forehead and left.
”I know you are good, I know you are faithful, I know you have a plan” I went back to my previous declaration, though I was still feeling empty inside and numb to it all.
Then God spoke:
You may say you know this, but do you believe it?
Do you believe I’m good? Do you believe I’m faithful?
Do you believe I have a plan?
There’s a difference in knowing and believing. He was right.
So, in that bath tub, laying sideways, tears beginning to dry on my cheeks and neck, I began to declare in faith:
”I believe you are good.
I believe you are faithful.
I believe you have a plan.”
I must have said it a dozen of times. I repeated it until peace filled the room like the water did the tub. I took deep breaths and was assured like never before that God IS good, God IS faithful and God DOES have a plan.
Life went on. Things got busy. I forgot to make that follow up appointment with the doctor. So here came October and it was a busy month for us. Summer of 2018 Calvin began a residency program with the Houston Church Planting Network. This organization helps train and equip pastors as they plant churches. Every year HCPN helps host a church planting conference in Houston. This year Calvin was attending as a part of the HCPN and was able to bring other church leaders along with him. So together we drove out to the Clear Lake area (if you’re familiar with Houston, you know that’s a good ways from Katy). We decided to spend the night at a hotel for the duration of the conference.
The morning of the conference I noticed the calendar date and realized I was one day late. However, seeing as to how September had unfolded, I didn’t make much of it.
The conference was incredible and I couldn’t take notes quick enough. I hardly had realized by the end of day one that nothing came that day either. 2 days late, going on 3. The next day I told Calvin how I was 2 days late. We didn’t speak much of it after that. The conference ended and we headed back to Katy and again we spoke nothing of it. We both just had made mental notes but for the sake of not getting our hopes us or speaking too soon, we avoided the topic all together.
We got home on a Thursday night and as I laid in bed to go to bed I realized yet again that another day had gone by without me starting my period. Calvin quickly passed out while I laid wide awake, mind racing.
Could this be it?
Maybe I should look up symptoms.
Are my breast sore? Maybe they’re a little sore.
Well, I haven’t really been nauseous… when do you actually start getting nauseous though?
Is it too son? I should google it.
Better not, I’ll just wait another day.
It’s all in my head. I need to chill.
30 minutes later of lying in bed, eyes wide open, starring at the ceiling, I caved.
In the Google search bar I entered: early pregnancy symptoms
- Tender, swollen breasts
(See! I knew my breast were hurting a bit!)
- Frequent urination
(Omgh. I peed every chance I got at the conference!)
- Food Cravings
(I was snacking hard, craving everything they put out for us!)
- Better Sense of Smell
(That explains it!! My nose has been so sensitive to smells!)
You see where this is going, don’t you?
I laid there freaked out, crying, anxious, grateful, nervous, happy, scared – hormonal! (another an early pregnancy symptom)
After telling myself I’d wait to test in the morning, I’m pretty sure I prayed myself to sleep.
Friday, October 26th
Calvin had left by 5:45 AM to open the church for something we do called Friday morning prayer. I heard him get up, but slept in because I was so tired from the night before and the conference all together. Come 7:30 AM, I woke up and as I was walking to the bathroom I remembered! Before sitting down I walked back out to grab a test from our bottom bathroom drawer. We only had one left.
My heart beating out of my chest I walked back into the bathroom and took the test. I set it down on the floor and looked up and tried to ready my heart in the 3 minutes it would take to give me the result. But who was I kidding, I couldn’t wait 3 minutes! So I looked back down, not even a minute later to see TWO PINK LINES!! I was pregnant!!
My heart soared yet fell into my stomach. IT GOT REAL, REAL QUICK!
I cried, I laughed, I was just so overcome with emotion, thanking God for the life inside of me!!
(Somewhere in there I eventually got dressed and made my way to the church. It’s a blur.)
Once I arrived I did my best to act natural. I knew Calvin may be with other church members and I wanted to tell him privately, in our home and not cause a scene. I made my way to the sanctuary to pray.
I knelt. I wept, trying to journal all I had just experienced. I prayed and thanked God. It was a sweet moment between Him and I. And Hannah’s prayer for a son in 1 Samuel 1:9-28 came to mind.
As I journaled more God also brought to mind my prayers and experience just a month before, in a bath tub, in September.
Saturday, October 27th, I told Calvin. (Full story on that coming in the next blog post!)
But while I’m at it, let’s throw out some more dates, cause I think this is AWESOME:
November 28, 2016 we began this journey.
October 28, 2018 we BOTH woke up aware that we were walking in our answered prayer.
June 28, 2019 is our baby’s due date.
HE IS GOOD.
HE IS FAITHFUL.
HE HAS A PLAN FOR US.
– CRYSTAL –
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